The Physics of Video Games column is now onto soundtrack reviews. Why? Sound is physics. Also, the lovely Jeremy (the Gaming Futurist) told me to. We’ll review the horrendous, the masterpieces, and everything in between. If you have any suggestions, let me know. Obscure, popular, appalling, it doesn’t matter.
Army of Two: Devil’s Cartel, is an inexcusably repugnant, offensive and broken game. I have seen trilogies get worse as the series progresses, but for entirely different reasons. Some can’t live up to the hype of the original game. Others are too ambitious, thus removing core elements that made the series what is was, or so diluted it is barely recognizable. DC on the other hand, just ruins anything that used to work while adding extra, even more broken content. I have come to a conclusion as to why all this happened and why this review is on a retro site (ie. I am justifying my desire to rant about this game).
And DC comes with update features like: boat
DC is an alpha version of Army of Two. Since AoT was released near the start of the PS3/Xbox360 life-cycle, this means that DC was a game that was poorly optimized for the PS2/Xbox generation of consoles. Since the game was being developed too late in that generation of consoles, EA thought it would be best to scrap the project and develop AoT for the new generation of consoles.
With EA becoming somewhat of an ogre, increasingly evil and loathed as a company, it decided (yes, I am suggesting that EA is a remorseless entity with no human at its helm) to revive this old and broken code, do some slight updates, then release the steaming pile of bear dung that is Army of Two: Devil’s Cartel. EA wished to fulfil everyone’s incredibly low expectations of them. A task that they exceeded the expectations in terms of the poor quality.
I know there is nothing true about this theory, aside from EA being horrendous in modern times (eg. Not supporting subtitles since they believe that the deaf community is not a big enough demographic – no joke, this was what was said in the AoT:40th day forums by a team member). But it would explain why a series progressively got so much worse. But there is my terrible justification as to why this is on a retro site. Let’s learn more about this abomination, shall we?
The story in this game is virtually non-existent, and when it does present its ugly mug, it still has plot holes that simply shouldn’t exist. “I can’t wait until that fishing boat. Great job. I need a medical.” Does this string of sentences without moving make any sense? No? It didn’t to my friend and me when playing with this rubbish. There is no preface or follow up to that string of dialogues, nor did either of us need “a medical” at any point. If small talk is ruined this much, just imagine the story.
Like this: she killed many innocent people prior to this moment, then she was hesitant to kill this monster…
Controls often don’t work, especially when trying to breach doors and get into cover. I would like to point out that these mechanics in the other games did work. They worked, so EA broke them. Character models often don’t load properly, leaving people chinless and without textures for quite some time. Weapon upgrades are less satisfying as paint looks stupid or is difficult to notice, and the best weapons, shy of one of the snipers, are unlocked right from the start of the game. You get the point. Nothing positive can be said about this game that would put it above the two previous mediocre titles. I could turn this into a book of extensive detail as to why this game is bad and how it represents the bad aspects of modern gaming. But we’re surprisingly still here for a soundtrack review. Let’s get to it.
As the game starts up, the player is greeted by a painfully mediocre song that loops in rapid succession. The first few seconds of music are basically all you get… over and over and OVER again. This is followed by a short and underwhelming symphonic section. This all wears on the nerves quite quickly.
They look happy compared to my face when listening to this song. When listening to the linked song, please note that you listen to 1:31 onwards most of the time, not the rest. The rest isn’t too bad a song.
Since there is great emphasis on being able to customize the cleverly named Alpha and Bravo, it is probably a good idea to jump on that immediately.
Thankfully DC is consistent and really wants to get players to get a another listen to their brilliant composition. The prayers were answered, as the main menu theme plays yet again. The game hasn’t even started, and patience for this pathetic song has been worn down like 40 old underpants. Just keep in mind, I am talking about that beat from 1:31 which seems to loop itself, not the rest of the song. I am not sure if I had a buggy copy of the game, or if that was intended.
Rest assured knowing that there are other songs in this game. Rest un-assured knowing that almost no other song can be heard. These songs are usually being drowned out by gunshots, non-nonsensical dialogue and your unrelenting yelling at this waste of resources. Which is too bad, because finally listening to them on YouTube, there are some pretty good songs on this soundtrack. Check out the playlist in the previously linked file. It is unfortunate not to be able to fairly review the rest, I am only reviewing what I heard while playing, as it does seem to be a really good soundtrack otherwise.
There are moments when the action subsides and allows for the soundtrack to shine. The problem being that these moments of respite are often plagued by one song: the main menu theme. I am not sure if I became overly sensitive to this track due to what a stuperous funker DC is, or if it really is this bad… but this song being played so often it made me sentence myself to the angry dome on more than one occasion. I think the game would anger most people though. No more ranting.
If Army of Two: Devil’s Cartel were food, it would be a poorly digested bologna sandwich, with the first two games being the bologna sandwich and partially digested sandwich respectively. You can see some semblance of what once was in the fecal matter, and it upsets you. You’re sure that in desperation those remains could be a source of nourishment. However, you’re not willing to risk easting those remains, as they are covered in far too much ploppy residue. Yummy. You’ll need a medical and be wishing for a fishing boat if you eat those remains. You’ve been warned.
Dan
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